Little One.. You do nothing wrong.. You are never bad.

My heart aches with the weight of knowing tonight.

Words are not coming slow enough to write…
My mind is a windstorm, swirling without form.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Catch something
anything
hold it
until I understand

My family is struggling right now.
My little one is lost in the mess of the adults’ world and its expectations.

When silence is there not to soothe, but because the scream has no voice to give.
Yet, a serenity exists here.
A simple knowing, that goes to the depths of its complexity and returns.
Jamais vu. – What to do with it?

Little one, you are beautiful.

You are amazing in your transparent, curious, exquisite self.

We hear you.

We see.
Your Papa and I…

We know now.

And without a moment’s hesitation or reluctance,
I accept.

~~~

I will seek the solution until it comes.
I will resolve this for you.

Responding to Imminent Danger: Physical & Emotional Threat

In a separate post, I discussed the difference between the terms “listen” & “comply”.  Toward the end of my thoughts, I ventured into the ever present, “But what if there is a reason my kid HAS to do what I’ve said, like, oh say, to keep him from plunging 1000′ to his death!”.

Rather than addressing this very important aspect of compliance in the same vein as the value of respecting a request, communicating expected compliance, and discovering what it really is to “listen” all in one, very long winded dissertation… I figured I’d split them up a bit.

From the previous post… continuing -
…That said, there are instances when the adult cannot fully articulate the entire phrase, including something along the lines of “compliance is expected”.  These sort of instances might be when walking in the city and or parking lot and the child is suddenly in some sort of danger.  In times like this, the adult often cannot sputter out much more than a “STOP” or other imperative in time, and the child’s safety depends on compliance. I’ll discuss this in a separate post.   This is when the sound of the adult’s voice, and the tone that is used (that being of imminent danger – the adult is responding out of fear and the kid can hear it, the urgency and importance, in the adult’s voice) is all that is required for the child to comply.

If the parent has established this foundation (their interactions and expectations being worthy of the child’s trust) and level of respect with the child from the beginning (whether from birth or whenever the child comes under the protection and guidance of said adult), they are in a positive position to provide the consistency and stability necessary that in a situation of threat/safety, the child will interpret accordingly and, if they are developmentally capable, respond appropriately. This is giving the benefit of the doubt to the child and his/her intelligence.. but it’s one that the adult has developed from their end and so is reliable; the adult is comfortable and so is the child.  Given, however, humans do not always behave predictably, so I would encourage the parent to be within reach of physically sparing your child harm, in the event they don’t process your words as you need them to.

AND IF THEY DON’T (process correctly), after the danger has passed, please simply reiterate to them what happened in a flat and respecting tone, reiterate your command and the value of their response having matched, and move on (unless they want to talk about it).  Don’t rub it in, don’t demean or diminish. And don’t think this is your chance (while the body is on heightened alert) to teach a lesson… as it will be one delivered and received with an association of fear.

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When my little one was just learning to walk, I took her to the park one day.  At this point (she was not quite 10 months old), she knew many signs that we used to communicate to her.  She didn’t start signing much back until a few months later, but she understood them.  She also understood an expansive list of verbally communicated words.  (We so often do not give enough credit of comprehension to our littlest ones until something happens to forces us to realize just exactly how much they are absorbing and processing.) 

We were walking, hand in hand, just a few feet from our home over to the park (across the street).  I had stopped to grab the mail and releasing her palm for a moment, reached into the box to retrieve the letters.  In a matter of less than two seconds, she’d decided to explore at full speed and, after somehow traversing the curb (didn’t know she could do that yet), she proceeded into the cul-de-sac, dangerously close to the through street.

Now, mind you, I was within reach of grabbing her back and protecting her, but I decided to use my voice instead.  (I’m not sure I actually made a conscious decision either, but that’s what ended up as my response.) I instructed her to stop walking and stand still.  She turned to my face, stopped and stood still, reached out her hand and said, “Mama, come.” 

From that day on, my trust in her intelligence grew and grew, as has my trust in my own regard for her and the value of it.  So, again, while I wouldn’t recommend relying entirely on a little one to process your verbal instruction sufficiently to prevent harm, there is a really good chance they will if you have set up a foundation for them to draw upon, even unconsciously.

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Why do you think we are sometimes compelled to scold or punish our kids when they do something (or don’t do something) that causes us to fear for their safety? What exactly is going on there in the adult’s mind and response systems?

Also, what connections might be drawn between parents who respond immediately to infant’s cries, and a baby/toddler/young one responding immediately to the parent’s communiations?

For additional reading on this topic, please visit Dangerous Situations

Listen to Me!

What does it mean to listen?

Main Entry:	listen
Definition:	hear and pay attention
Synonyms:	accept, admit, adopt, attend, audit, auscult, auscultate, be all ears, be attentive, catch, concentrate, eavesdrop, entertain, get, get a load of, give an audience to, give attention, give heed to, hang on words, hark, harken, hear out, hear tell, hearken, lend an ear, mind, monitor, obey, observe, overhear, pick up on, prick up ears, receive, take advice, take into consideration, take notice, take under advisement, tune in, tune in on, welcome
Notes:	to listen  is to try to hear ; to hear is simply to perceive with the ear 1. to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear. 2. to pay attention; heed; obey (often followed by to ): Children don’t always listen to their parents. 3. to wait attentively for a sound (usually followed by for ): to listen for sounds of their return. 4. Informal . to convey a particular impression to the hearer; sound: The new recording doesn’t listen as well as the old one. 5. Archaic . to give ear to; hear.

Now, what does it mean to comply?

Main Entry:	comply
Definition:	abide by, follow agreement or instructions
Synonyms:	accede, accord, acquiesce, adhere to, agree to, cave in, come around, conform to, consent to, cry uncle, defer, discharge, ditto*, don’t make waves, don’t rock the boat, fit in, fold, fulfill, give in, give out, give up, go along with, go with the flow, keep, knuckle to, knuckle under, mind, obey, observe, perform, play ball, play the game, put out, quit, respect, roll over and play dead, satisfy, shape up, stay in line, straighten up, submit, throw in towel, toss it in, yes one, yield
Antonyms:	decline, deny, disobey, oppose, rebuff, refuse, reject, resist com·ply verb (used without object), -plied, -ply·ing. 1. to act or be in accordance with wishes, requests, demands, requirements, conditions, etc.; agree (sometimes followed by with ): They asked him to leave and he complied. She has complied with the requirements. 2. Obsolete . to be courteous or conciliatory. Related forms un·com·ply·ing, adjective Synonyms 1.  acquiesce, yield, conform, obey, consent, assent. Antonyms 1.  refuse, resist.

Next time you hear yourself telling your child to “listen to me”… think about this.
Then, think about whether you are asking (not demanding) for compliance, and if so whether it’s fair and reasonable, or you simply exercising your “I’m bigger” factor. 

When is compliance actually necessary? 

What examples might you have to share when, in your home, compliance is compulsory? 
What examples might you have where compliance is a request and one that is just as acceptable for your child to deny as it is for you (parent)?

Natural Consequences… Keeping them that way

From… Why We Don’t Punish & What Discipline Is

Rachel says,
“We do a lot of natural consequences-based discipline. Sometimes I remind of the natural consequence that might happen and other times I just let it happen. If the pinecone pieces weren’t bothering me (though I totally understand why they were bothering you), I might let my daughter step or trip over them to internalize the issue with leaving pinecones on the floor.”

Agreed.  In many cases, I will also do just that – let her step on one and internalize the value in them not being left in a place that can aggravate.  Let me tell you about an incident that happened just the other day that went ok, but I wonder if any of you have ideas on how I could improve.. Read on, you’ll see why I ask.

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The other day my daughter decided she wanted a glass of juice.  So, after successfully pouring it all by herself (a significant feat), she sat down on the steps to indulge.  But then something got her attention, and off she went, with the glass of juice left quite dead center of the step.

Just as she was leaving, I gently mentioned she might want to move it to a safer place.  She said, “nah, it will be fine.”

A few minutes later (the cup still on the step) the door bell rang (mail) and the dog went crazy as usual.  Guess which path was the most direct to the door for said dog. 

My little one was very upset that her glass of juice was then found splashed all over the floor, and she turned that anger toward the dog. Pretty natural response, if you ask me.. but not a welcome one in our house because 1) it was her responsibility to not leave the cup in harm’s way, and 2) we sort of rather attach an expectation on our dog that we might a 6 month old.  So, I stopped my kiddo from yelling at the dog by stepping in between her and the dog, and squatting to be eye level with her.

I asked her to tell me why she was yelling at the dog.  The flubbering of annoyed and irritated explanations followed, something along the lines of “that dog doesn’t see my stuff, she goes nuts, it’s just the mail lady..my juuuuiiizzz…. I don’t like you (dog) anymore… MAAAHHHMMM I want more juice.”

Mom responds, “I think we should get this cleaned up and then talk to London (dog) about being so upset with her.  She didn’t spill it because she was trying to make you feel yucky, it was just there and she is sort of like a tornado coming through when the door rings.”

Kid responds, “She (dog) shouldn’t have…” on and on with the should-nots.

Mom’s annoyed.  Takes breath.  Tells kid, not exactly gently, “Please go get the paper towels from the kitchen so we can clean this up.”

Kid does.. not happily.  “Mom, I want more juice!”

Mom retorts, “So, get some!…after this is cleaned up.”

Kid sinks.  Shoulders at knees.. eyes down… completely defeated.

Mom sighs – kid sinks further.

Mom’s still annoyed.. not regulating well.. not seeing world through any eyes but her own and they’re rather jaded at this point. “Bugz, I want to help you clean this up.”  (Notice how I worded that… it’s typical in our house, but this time I didn’t say it with much in the way of respect or gentleness in my voice.)

Kid’s thought process… Mom said I can have more juice after the mess is cleaned.  Mom didn’t say I was expected to DO the cleaning.. I just want my juice back…

Mom is getting impatient while kid processes.  Mom’s thinking – never going to let her have juice in a non spill proof cup again!!  Mom’s also thinking of all the stuff that she isn’t getting accomplished as a result of the mess requiring her attention now….

Mom has forgotten (that would be me – the mom) a whole slew of stuff, particularly the value of relating, the value of being a mama who chooses to mentor with grace, and most importantly, the seeing the world through my eyes and my kid’s part.

So, what did I do?  I chose to keep my eyes from rolling, keep my breath from sounding like a steam engine in wait, and keep my mouth shut and stop being annoyed because masking it does no good at my house.  And then I cleaned.

Bugz didn’t help me clean up much, but she watched me.  She waited until it was all clean before asking (this time, she asked) for help getting more juice.  She was worn out, emotionally spent.  I was too.

It took me a few minutes after getting everything cleaned up, and settling my little one (with her juice - in a spill proof cup, I might add, and no I didn’t have to deny her a cup/glass of her choosing.. she’d let that go by then, she was actually thirsty) into an activity, before I was able to realize that she and I were so worn out because of the power struggle I caused.  I know, I know…  I know it’s unnecessary, it’s harmful.. these dumb battles over control. I also know what and how to not only avoid them but prevent and/or stop them all together if they get started.  I know…

I know how damaging these stupid little struggles over power can be to all involved,  especially the little one(s).  Yet, I failed in this instance to retain my own self control in effort to make it possible for my little one to retain hers, for the purpose of preventing a power struggle from beginning in the first place (which was exactly what I was trying to stop my kid from instigating or making use of with our dog).  I can make the excuse that I was tired and just rather impatient that day, and it would be valid.. and worth validating to some extent for my own purposes (and likely hers), but that’s not good enough.  It can’t stop with the explanation or an excuse. If it stops there, if I stop there, nothing is resolved and nothing is made better, and my daughter learns that while mom expects daughter to hold herself accountable (she may be barely 4 years old, but she demonstrates a clear understanding of the concept in most cases), the same expectation isn’t there for mom.

Double standards don’t work.  Kids ALWAYS see through them.. as they should.  Furthermore, forcing a kid to tolerate and cope with a parent(s) that uses double standards teaches them how to become adults that play by the same rules.

So, eventually, after watching her for a few minutes (out of sight), I decided that this time the best option was to just continue to keep quiet and give each of us some space.  It wasn’t ideal..wasn’t what I hope from myself.. but I think that in the very least my kid may have learned something useful about physics and Murphy’s Law.

I learned a lot about me, about her, about my reactions, and about choices I have and the subsequent positive change that can come depending on what I choose.